


AUs For When Your OTP Are Both Jerks

by Kilgamayan



Category: Touhou Project
Genre: Alternate Universe, Comedy, F/F, Slice of Life, Stealth MoKeine, Stealth ReiAri, Super Stealth MamiNue, Would you believe I had to write out the AyaMomi tag manually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-27
Updated: 2015-05-27
Packaged: 2018-04-01 11:26:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4017973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kilgamayan/pseuds/Kilgamayan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of short Touhou stories inspired by the AUs proposed by Tumblr user jonahryan. The instant the post crossed my dash, I had to write this stuff. I never write this stuff!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Parking Lot - MuraIchi

Enough was enough. Today, she was finally going to do it.

 

Politely-but-firmly-worded note in hand, Ichirin marched over to the Excursion parked next to the Myouren Inc office building, heels clacking loudly on the pavement in reflection of her anger. She was fuming, having dealt with this for two solid weeks now. She worked her butt off to earn Employee of the Month, and like hell was this inconsiderate ne’er-do-well going to continue to use the parking spot that she had earned for herself. Especially since that spot was really close to the building’s only charging station, which she could use to make sure her Leaf could get her home without any issues.

 

_This note had better work. I don’t want to drag HR into this, but I will if I have to…_

 

Arriving at the SUV, Ichirin made for the driver’s side windshield wiper. Just as she started to reach up her hand, however, she passed the door – and noticed that someone was still inside the vehicle.

 

The admin assistant froze with fear for a second, long enough for the driver’s white-capped head to turn lazily to the left, revealing a cigarette in the side of her mouth. She looked somewhere between apathetic and half-asleep, and her short black hair was an absolute mess. A white tank top revealed an elaborate anchor tattoo on a rather muscular upper left arm.

 

Ichirin gulped, half out of terror from being caught, and half because, well, she had never seen anyone at the office so… _wild_. Did this person work in maintenance?

 

They stared at each other for a few seconds without moving before the driver casually rolled down the window.

 

“Whad’ d’you want?”

 

Ichirin blinked, her mind snapping back to attention. She wasn’t here to gawk, she was here to get her parking spot back. She awkwardly brandished the folded note at the driver.

 

“Uh, I’m here to…you’re in my spot! This is my parking spot, and you keep taking it! I want it back!”

 

The driver gave the same half-awake stare for several silent seconds, prompting Ichirin to sweat. This person clearly outclassed the poor admin assistant physically. Was she about to be shooed away with a threat? Or worse, was she about to be reported to HR for being rude?

 

“…You’re lucky you’re cute, toots.”

 

“…Huh?”

 

Ichirin could only stare at this hunk of a driver as she threw her vehicle into reverse and slowly backed out of the spot. As the driver shifted back into drive and turned to pull away toward the general parking lot, the admin assistant came to her senses.

 

“…Wait! Hey, you! Don’t call me ‘toots’! Get back here! Who are you?!”


	2. Starbucks - MikoToji

The familiar chime of the door’s bell was lost on the lead saleswoman of Desire Audio, her aural attention occupied on the sleaze dripping out of the earphone of her cell. She glanced up long enough to notice that the barista today was that perpetually-frowning green-haired girl again before inwardly sighing at her unfathomably poor luck and returning her attention to the conversation.

 

“Listen to me, Miss Kaku. This could be our biggest contract all year. I **need** that noise-cancellation research to wrap up soon. The customer isn’t going to wait forever.”

 

“Welcome to Starbucks, miss. How may I help you?”

 

The saleswoman held up a single finger with her free hand without looking away from her phone-holding hand, completely missing the barista’s eye roll.

 

“If resources are that much of an issue, then get Miyako’s help. Hold on.”

 

The saleswoman unglued her phone form the side of her face and finally looked at the barista properly. “The usual. Don’t skimp on the caramel.”

 

The forced cheerful “Coming right up!” prompted the saleswoman to return her attention to her phone and wander off toward a table. “Okay, I’m back. What? I don’t care what you think of Miyako or her hygiene! She’s qualified for the job, so get her to help!”

 

She plopped down in a seat and shouted at her phone for several more minutes while her caffeinated lifeblood was being prepared.

 

“Venti Macchiato, extra caramel!”

 

“Look, okay. Fine. Okay.” The saleswoman made her way back to the counter long enough to deftly snatch her drink in her free hand before returning to her table. “If you don’t want to work with Miyako, that’s your prerogative. I couldn’t care less who works on the project as long as it gets done. This sale has to happen.”

 

She placed the cup on the table and twisted it around, grimly wondering what Sharpie surprise was in store for her today. Ah, there it was. _Mickey Toyosatomouse._ How witlessly quaint.

 

“You have until Friday, Miss Kaku, or your boss will hear about this. Goodbye.”

 

The saleswoman ended the call, and then leaned back in her seat with a deep sigh. “Good Lord. My life is utter hell.”

 

She took a sip of her drink, and her mood instantly improved. Insulting names aside, that green-haired barista could make one hell of a proper venti macchiato. A shame she frowned all the time. She’d be cuter if she dropped that habit.

 

An odd speck of white caught the saleswoman’s attention. Looking down at her drink, she noticed a small corner of paper sticking out from behind the cardboard grip. She set the drink down on the table, gently pulled the paper out from behind the cardboard, and unfolded it.

 

The only contents of the paper were the name “Tojiko Soga” and a phone number.

 

The saleswoman looked up at the counter curiously and noticed the barista staring at her. Almost immediately, the barista looked away, a slightly flush visible in her cheeks.

 

The saleswoman’s mouth hung open for a few seconds before she ‘found’ something fascinating outside to stare at. In her mind, she hoped the sudden warmth she felt on her own cheeks was a result of the morning sun shining down on her through the window.


	3. Wingwomen - MariPatchy

Marisa sighed and slumped into the couch, irritated with herself. She should be happy! Reimu found someone with which she had instantly hit it off, and that Alice girl seemed perfectly nice enough. They were chatting away in Reimu’s room down the hall, having a grand old time. Maybe her roommate had finally found the right person!

 

Then Marisa looked across the living room at her other guest, and she remembered why she wasn’t happy.

 

Sitting in a chair on the other side of the living room was less a person than a hardcover book that had somehow grown a human out of itself. ‘Patchy’, Alice had called her? Marisa couldn’t imagine where Alice would have learned her friend’s name, given she hadn’t heard Patchy say a single word all night. The only thing she ever did was look up once from her book at Reimu and Marisa during introductions before burying her nose in it again as everyone else ordered their food. She even read the entire car ride home. It was everything someone as extroverted as Marisa could do to not squirm in discomfort.

 

_How could anyone function like that?_

 

“So…Patchy, right?”

 

The girl looked up briefly from her book with an ever-so-slightly irritated look before returning to reading.

 

“It sounds like Reimu and Alice have really hit it off. We’ll probably be seeing more of each other in the coming months. I hope we can become good friends too.”

 

Patchouli’s eyes flicked back to the left, apparently having finished the previous line. Marisa had to force herself to keep her smile plastered to her face.

 

“So…what do you like to do with yourself?”

 

“…Read.”

 

Marisa’s eye twitched.

 

“Haha, yeah, it sure seems like it.”

 

No response. Marisa looked around the room for inspiration, eyes eventually wandering back down the hall toward Reimu’s bedroom, home to a much livelier conversation.

 

“…How did you and Alice meet, anyway?”

 

“School.”

 

“Ooh, school buddies. Where’d you go?”

 

“Makai.”

 

“Oh man, rivals! Reimu and I went to Mayohiga.”

 

No response.

 

“Were you two roommates? Share a lot of classes or extra curriculars? Maybe one of the sports teams?”

 

Patchy looked up again with more irritation in her eyes than before. Marisa mentally snorted derisively. _What a silly question. Of course this beanpole of a nerd wasn’t on a sports team. She’d never be able to hold anything in her hands with that book occupying both of them. Besides, she looks like her hair is more than half of her total body mass._

 

Patchy looked back down.

 

“Roommates.”

 

Amidst the growing irritation at all the dismissive single-word responses, Marisa found herself surprised by the bookworm’s deep, confident voice. She’d expected something quiet and timid, not the strong alto that she was hearing. Patchy sounded like she’d do enka pretty well.

 

_Hey, there’s a conversation starter._

 

“You know, you’ve got quite the voice there. Have you ever sung enka at karaoke before?”

 

“No.”

 

“Aww, that’s a shame. Why not? I bet you’d be pretty good at it.”

 

“Not interested.”

 

_Well, so much for that. Got two words, though! A new personal record._

 

Marisa sighed. She was done trying to make nice. Deciding that reading and ignoring the other person in the room was apparently social acceptable at present, she got up, walked across the room, plucked her copy of _Mōryō no Hako_ off of her bookcase, flopped back down on the couch, and flipped to a dog-eared page to resume her adventure through the novel. Aside from the occasional bouts of laughter from down the hall, the room was practically silent.

 

“Hey.”

 

Marisa blinked, slowly realizing that it wasn’t her that had said the word. She looked up to find Patchy staring at her, book held in her lap, all traces of irritation gone from her face. The complete change in demeanor caught Marisa completely off guard.

 

“Uh…yeah?”

 

“Is that Kyogoku?”

 

It took Marisa a second to process the question. She looked down at here book, then back up at Patchy with a nod.

 

“Yeah.”

 

For the first time all night, her guest smiled. A small smile, but a smile nonetheless.

 

“I love Kyogoku. I’m actually taking a small break from him now, but I’m sure I’ll be back to him eventually.”

 

She waved the book she was holding for emphasis. Marisa suddenly noticed that it was _Teito Monogatari_. She smiled in return.

 

“Ooh, Aramata? Great choice, you won’t regret it.”

 

Patchy got up out of her chair and made her way over to the couch.

 

“I already don’t. This work is excellent. I can see why it received all the rave reviews it did.” She flopped down on the cushion next to Marisa. “So how far are you in that?”

 

“Well, I only started a few days ago, but…”


	4. Elevator - YukaRan

_Plip. Plip. Plip._ The sound of raindrops dripping off of Ran’s jacket and on the lobby’s tile floor was oddly satisfying. At the very least, they signaled the end of a hellacious commute.

 

Throwing her jacket hood back off of her head, Ran made for the elevators on the other side of the lobby. She was pleased to hear the familiar chime and see the familiar light while still only halfway to her destination. She would not have to stand there, a miserable pile of irritation and soaked clothes, waiting for an elevator to arrive. Perhaps her day was not going to be as bad as the weather and horrible traffic had originally indicated.

 

A shame she still had to wait for the elevator to reach the twentieth floor before she could finally relax in the relative comfort of her office, but it was what it was.

 

Ran passed through the elevator doors as they opened and was turning to look at the floor buttons when she heard the door to the outside open with a rush of wind and rain accompanied by the herald of her mood’s doom.

 

“My, my, my, what horrid weather!”

 

Blood chilled, Ran found the ‘20’ button and poked it, praying she would remain unnoticed.

 

“Oh, Ran, dear! Hold the door for me, please!”

 

 

The elevator’s drenched occupant started to panic before her eyes caught a glimpse of a ‘Door Close’ button. Pulling her phone out with one hand and pretending to be suddenly very interested in it, she jabbed repeatedly at the button, and was relieved when the machine clunked into action.

 

The footsteps out in the lobby increased in their speed and urgency.

 

“Ah! Ran, wait! No!”

 

_Come on, come on_ …

 

The doors were slow, but steady. Observing their closing speed and listening to the distance and pace of the footsteps, Ran’s mental estimations suggested that her pursuer wouldn’t make it in time. Her heart lightened at the idea as she ignored the cries from outside the elevator.

 

And then, just as the doors were about to close completely and a grin was starting to spread across Ran’s face, the point of an umbrella stabbed through the opening. Ran’s grin transformed into a look of anguish as the sudden blockage activated the detector and caused the doors to slowly re-open.

 

“Phew, just in time!”

 

Ran felt an anvil drop into the bottom of her stomach as her blonde long-haired boss stepped into the elevator, still dripping wet. Ever possession a sharp mind, Ran quickly changed tactics.

 

“Apologies, Miss Yukari. I was trying to keep the doors open as best I could, but you know how these things behave some times.”

 

“Mmm, indeed. I can certainly appreciate when things do not behave as I instruct them.”

 

“Perhaps you should have the maintenance team look at this elevator.”

 

“Perhaps. Ahh ohh!”

 

Ran watched as Yukari’s maneuvering into the elevator proper caused her to trip over…something, her hands flailing after dropping the umbrella. While trying to determine if the woman had somehow tripped over her own feet, Ran was struck with terror as one of Yukari’s hands slapped into the elevator wall with the button console – and pressed every single floor button as it slid down the wall.

 

Ran’s head whirled back toward the doors just as they snapped shut. She was stuck in the elevator, with a boss that was obviously irritated with her, and twenty floors of full stops separating her from freedom.

 

Yukari giggled to herself from close to the floor before recovering her balance and pushing herself back up on to her feet.

 

“Whoopsie! Sorry, Ran, You know how clumsy I can be sometimes.”

 

Ran was too dumbstruck to respond. Yukari took the silence as an opportunity to dust herself off.

 

“My, though, this is quite unfortunate. It seems we will be spending some time riding this elevator.”

 

Placing a hand on the wall near Ran’s head, Yukari then looked her secretary directly in the eyes while smiling a wicked grin.

 

“Whatever might we do to pass the time, hmm~?”

 

Ran snapped out of her reverie of irritation long enough to blush.

 

“What are you doing, Miss Yukari?”

 

“Oh, you know not to call me that when we’re here. How many times must I remind you that there is no ‘Miss’ with me in the workplace?”

 

“But that would be unprofessional.”

 

“Fie on that. I so detest such formalities here.”

 

Yukari’s grin grew even wider.

 

“Besides, it makes the use of ‘Mistress’ in the home so much more splendid to hear~”

 

Vaguely aware of the elevator doors opening for the second floor, Ran found a small part of herself wishing that the president’s company policy of forbidding workplace relationships actually applied to the president and her secretary. The rest of her simply braced for what was about to come.

 

“Must we do this here and now, M- Yukari? What if someone were to see us when the elevator door opens?”

 

“Then we would congratulate them on their ambition and work ethic, as it is a rare day indeed when we are not the first two in this building. Regardless, I know how sharp your mind is. I have the fullest confidence in your ability to avoid such a predicament.”

 

As Yukari leaned in for a kiss, Ran smiled to herself on the inside. Most might see Yukari’s response as playfully avoiding the predicament, or maybe even directly challenging the subordinate with whom she was irritated. But Ran knew that her love’s words were true and honest, and that for all their conflict, the company president placed no greater faith and trust in anyone in the world than her secretary.

 

Her heart warm, Ran returned the kiss as the elevator doors closed again. There was no time to waste. They only had nineteen floors left.


	5. Library - YuuParu

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This short story contains profanity.

Parsee brought her arm back down and sighed. No matter how hard she tried, the top shelf was frustratingly out of reach.

 

Finally, after months of waiting, her library had finally acquired the latest volume of _Sword Art Online_. Parsee had no idea how she lived before discovering this series. The plot was utterly captivating. The fascinating setting had the loner girl wishing on more than one occasion that she could escape reality and find love in a video game (though without the whole being-trapped-until-you-win thing). And oh, finding that love! The pure yet forbidden pairing of Kirito and Asuna sent chills down her spine whenever she thought about it. The series was her lifeblood, and the librarian had to know that with how frequently Parsee had been appearing in the manga section lately.

 

“So why did she put it on the top fucking shelf? She’s even shorter than I am.”

 

Parsee could do naught but whisper her aggravation to herself while glancing around. Thankfully, there was no one within earshot, or else she’d surely incur the strict librarian’s wrath and get kicked out for swearing.

 

Returning her gaze to the bookcase, she grabbed one of the shelves and gave it a few experimental tugs. The entire bookcase wobbled a bit in response. Parsee frowned.

 

_Looks like climbing the shelf is out, it’s way too risky. I don’t want to leave the book for too long in case someone else comes and gets it first, but…maybe there’s a stepladder around here somewhere…_

 

Parsee’s insatiable desire won out over her paranoia, and she set off to find anything she could use to stand on and increase her vertical reach, grumbling about how good tall people have it. Her search did not last long; upon leaving the aisle of bookcases, she spotted not a stepladder, but one of her very few friends, picking through some books on a shelf a few aisles away.

 

The friend that just happened to be the captain and center of their school’s basketball team.

 

Parsee walked over to her savior as fast as she could without causing a disruption. Her friend looked up before she got there and smile broadly while returning the book she was perusing to its proper place on the shelf.

 

“Hey, Paru! Good to see you! What’s up?”

 

“Thank the fates you’re here, Yuugs. I need your help fast. C’mon!”

 

“Oka-whoa!”

 

Parsee grabbed her friend by the wrist and dragged her back to the all-important shelf. Parsee was relieved to see that no one had stolen her treasure away from her yet. And now that she had conquered the verticality problem, nothing was going to stand between her and her precious KiriSuna.

 

Parsee pointed at her prize, seemingly oblivious to Yuugi’s gazing around the section.

 

“Can you get that for me?”

 

Nodding absently, Yuugi reached up with ease and plucked the book from the shelf. Parsee’s moment of elation stretched longer and longer as Yuugi stared at the cover.

 

_What’s taking so long? Just give it to me! Unless…oh no! What if Yuugi’s been looking for this too? Wait, no, that can’t be possible, she’s too much of a jock to…_

 

Her thought process was interrupted by the wide grin that had suddenly split Yuugi’s face. The basketball captain suddenly began to snicker. All of Parsee’s worst fears rushed to take over her mind at once.

 

“W-w-what’s so funny?”

 

Yuugi showed the book to her friend, pointing emphatically at the cover.

 

“Really, Paru? Really? This fantasy world stuff?”

 

Parsee’s face went red as a beet.

 

“Y-yeah! What’s it to you?”

 

“I can’t believe you actually like this pleb garbage! What happened, could you not get enough _.hack_ trash in your life?”

 

“I-blwuh?”

 

“I figured you’d be a manga fan. But I gotta admit, Paru, I didn’t think you’d have such shit taste.”

 

Parsee’s jaw dropped. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. How did Yuugi know anything about anything when it came to this? Her mind spun in confusion, but one clear, indomitable truth quickly calmed the storm.

 

Her taste’s honor had been insulted. She had to defend it, and there was only one way how.

 

“What did you say?! What the hell do _you_ like, then? Homonormative garbage like _Kuruko no Basuke_?”

 

“Psh, please. _Hajime no Ippo_ and _Eyeshield 21_ all the way, baby.”

 

Parsee rolled her eyes.

 

“Shallow, dumb jock stuff. Figures. Was _Hadashi no Gen_ not muscley enough for you?”

 

“Whoa, now. You best watch yourself. At least I’m not a **nerd**.”

 

Parsee’s eye twitched.

 

“Why you-!”

 

With strength that surprised both of them, Parsee shoved Yuugi hard enough to send her clear out of the aisle – and crashing into the nearby best-sellers table.

 

The cacophony immediately drew the librarian over to see what was going on. She arrived in time to see a short, young blonde lady running toward a collapsed table, upon which currently lay a much taller, groaning, young blonde lady. She brushed her long red hair out of her face and fixed them both with a rage-filled stare.

 

“What is going on here?!”

 

The two ladies looked back and forth between the librarian and each other. The one not on the table responded for both of them.

 

“Uh…”

 

The librarian pointed at the front door.

 

“Outside, right this instant! Both of you!”

 

The color drained from Yuugi and Parsee’s faces as the librarian stormed off to get help reorganizing the table. The two of them slowly shuffled out of the library, accepting their doom.

 

Once outside, the two of them plopped down on the front steps and sighed.

 

“Jeez, Coach is gonna kill me for this…”

 

“How am I supposed to find out about Kirito and Asuna now…?”

 

Their gazes met, and Parsee turned away in embarrassed, enraged huff. Yuugi wanted to do the same, but deep down, she knew she had just ruined something important for her friend.

 

“…Look, Paru…I’m sorry I made fun of the manga you like.”

 

Parsee’s head turned just enough that Yuugi could see one eye glaring daggers at her. Even just from the odd angle, the smaller girl looked close to tears.

 

“…You better be.”

 

Yuugi could only shamefully avoid eye contact. Parsee turned away again.

 

“…I’m…sorry I pushed you.”

 

“…Thanks.”

 

The two sat in silence for a while, unable to think of what to say to the other, before Yuugi had an idea.

 

“…Say, Paru…wanna come back to my place for a while? I’ve got a series I think you might like. _Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure_.”

 

Yuugi was worried for a moment that her words had fallen on deaf ears, but Parsee’s head slowly turned back around, a bit more than the first time.

 

“…What’s it about?”

 

“I, uh…to be honest, I don’t really know. I don’t think anyone knows. But it’s got lots of muscles for me, and it’s got fantasy and adventure for you. And it’s really funny.”

 

Yuugi held a hand out to her friend with a tentative smile.

 

“ Whad’ya say?”

 

Parsee stared at the outstretched hand for a few moments, breathing quietly to calm herself a little, before taking the offered hand and returning the smile.

 

“Let’s go.”


	6. School - SeiShin

She was doing it again.

 

“Why didn’t Kōmei just have a secret force of soldiers sink the ships while Perry wasn’t looking?”

 

Shinmyoumaru could feel the grip on her pencil tighten. If she squeezed it any tighter, it might start splintering. She glared over at the question-asker, who didn’t seem to notice.

 

The professor sighed.

 

“Miss Kijin, please try to stay focused on the important information.”

 

“But this **is** important information! Kōmei could have gotten rid of Perry right then and there!”

 

Ah, yes. Seija Kijin, professional class clown. The funniest person on the planet…in her own mind, anyway. Shinmyoumaru was beyond tired of having history lectures interrupted by the commander-in-chief of dumbass questions.

 

The just-as-irritating snickering from behind Seija – who, Shinmyoumaru had to begrudgingly admit, had an excellent poker face – increased in volume as the professor sighed again.

 

“Miss Houjuu, Miss Futatsuiwa, I will not ask you again to keep quiet. As for you, Miss Kijin, I will be happy to answer any question you may have on the extra details of this lesson after school, during the provided homework help hour.”

 

Seija slumped back in her seat, outwardly grumpy. Shinmyoumaru knew better; inside, she was no doubt very pleased with herself, having launched another successful attempt to disrupt the class for everyone.

 

Shinmyoumaru frowned and tried to put Seija out of her mind. In a few years, this wouldn’t be relevant anyway. Her grades were light years ahead of Seija’s. She’d get into a great university, while Seija would be lucky to have any sort of job, let alone a college that would accept her. Maybe Seija would even come crawling back to her, begging for forgiveness for all the times she tried to interrupt Shinmyoumaru’s precious education. And the scholar-to-be might consider extending said forgiveness. After all, Seija had such wild hair, and pretty legs, and nimble fingers, and-

 

Shinmyoumaru shook her head frantically. What on EARTH was she day dreaming about? Quickly, she reassumed her note-taking position and looked up – to find her professor looking at her.

 

“Do you disagree with me, Miss Sukuna?”

 

Fear gripped Shinmyoumaru’s heart as she sat bolt upright. It was a very rare occurrence for her to upset a professor.

 

“Wha-um, no! No, Miss K. I was just…trying to clear my head. I was a bit dizzy for a moment.”

 

“I see. Please do not hesitate to speak up if you feel too unwell to continue with this lesson.”

 

“Of course!”

 

Shinmyoumaru slumped back down into her seat, oblivious to Seija looking over at her with a curious expression.

 

“Anyway, Perry did return less than a year later. Several shogunate representatives met with him, and-”

 

The professor sighed again.

 

“-yes, Miss Kijin?

 

“Was this Perry guy hot?”

 

The professor was quiet for a moment, her irritated twitching only barely perceptible. When she spoke again, her voice was measurably calm.

 

“Miss Kijin, that is a very inappropriate question.”

 

“So that’s a ‘yes’, then?”

 

A loud slam make the entire class jerk their heads toward the desk of a certain diminutive study bug, one who was red with fury and no longer breathing so much as seething.

 

“Would you SHUT THE HELL UP? SOME of us are trying to LEARN here!”

 

Nobody moved a muscle. The only sound in the entire room was Shinmyoumaru’s very labored breathing. It hadn’t yet registered that Seija was staring back at her with a look of pure shock, or that she was causing a scene. All she could think of was how good it felt to finally put that miscreant in her place, to bring the hammer of justice down on her head.

 

“…Miss Kijin, Miss Sukuna, you will both be joining me after school for the homework help hour, whether you need help with your homework or not.”

 

Shinmyoumaru’s brain locked up, leaving her mouth hanging open. What just happened? Did she really just disrupt the class like that? Was Miss K going to fail her for causing a scene? Was this going to go on her permanent record?? Would she still be able to get into her dream university???

 

She was only dimly aware of the broad smile that had since crossed Seija’s face.

 

“Whoa, awright! Detention with the cutie!”

 

“Miss Kijin, please. Be. QUIET. Miss Houjuu, Miss Futatsuiwa, if either of you finds this the remotest bit amusing, you will be joining me after school as well. And please sit down, Miss Sukuna.”

 

“What?! But we didn’t do anything, Miss K!”

 

Shinmyoumaru was completely oblivious to the dialogue that followed. If her own scene had frozen her mind, Seija’s response shattered it into eight million pieces.

 

_Cutie? CUTIE?? Seija? thinks? I’m? cute???? What what what do I do oh no she’s such a horrible person but she’s so hot but academics but detention but being with Seija but DETENTION with Seija but detention WITH SEIJA but but but but but ??!!!?????!??!!!????_

 

“Miss Sukuna!”

 

“Eep!”

 

Shinmyoumaru jumped, Miss K’s face inches away from her own.

 

“Miss Sukuna. Sit. Down.”

 

Slowly, Shinmyoumaru slid back into her seat, still only half-aware of where she was in the time-space continuum.

 

“Now then, if there are no more interruptions, we can resume-”

 

Before Miss K was able to finish her sentence, the bell rang, signaling the end of class. Shinmyoumaru sat there in a daze as the rest of the class packed up their belongings and left the room, gossiping and giggling all the way. Finally defeated, Miss K made her way back to her desk and plopped down in her chair, muttering all the way.

 

“Mokou better buy dinner tonight…”

 

Shinmyoumaru was suddenly aware that Seija was the last student other than herself to leave the room. On her way out the door, Seija shot Shinmyoumaru a wink and a toothy grin.

 

“Later, Shinny. Lookin’ forward to bein’ detention buddies!”

 

Shinmyoumaru blinked as Seija left the room, her departure seeming to snap the study bug out of her reverie. She quickly gathered her things and ran out the door after her ‘detention buddy’.

 

“This is all **your** fault! Who do you think you are?! Why would I **ever** want to be in detention with the likes of **you**?”


	7. Private Conversation - AyaMomi

Aya slammed her iced tea down on the table, drawing a few looks from the surrounding patrons of the net café. That was not the e-mail she needed to see from her boss this afternoon.

 

“What’s the word, big bird?”

 

The black-haired woman rubbed the side of her face in frustration.

 

“Boss is making me do the war coverage piece tomorrow, Hata.”

 

The younger twin-tailed brunette on the other side of the table frowned in response.

 

“Oh damn, sorry. That sucks.”

 

“That blasted Mustafa! I know I’ve told him a hundred times that the newbies are supposed to do the patriotic war-mongering stuff. It’s simple enough even for them, and it keeps me far the hell away from any of that barbaric, inhumane nonsense.”

 

“Well, you know that things are getting dicey, what with that attack yesterday. He probably wants someone with more wit than usual out there, to make sure we get the top coverage.”

 

“But he couldn’t even ask you? You’re a good on-site yourself and you’re far more indifferent on this than I am.”

 

Hatate let herself a little smirk as she absentmindedly swirled the water in her glass.

 

“Curse of competence strikes again. Maybe you should try being terrible at your job more. Sure as hell works for some of the newbies.”

 

Aya snickered and took another sip of her drink.

 

“Well, if the big man wants me to do a piece, I better oblige, eh? I hope he’s prepared from exactly the kind of war coverage content I like to produce.”

 

“I hope you’ll capture my good side when you do, Miss Shameimaru.”

 

Both reporters jerked their heads up at the words. Standing at their table was a white-haired woman with a passive look and a red-white military uniform encasing more muscle than Aya had ever seen in her entire life. She nodded to the seated women.

 

“Air Force Master Sergeant Momizi Inubashiri. It’s an honor to meet two of our fine country’s finest newscasters.”

 

Hatate was frozen stiff by the table’s visitor, but Aya managed a quick recovery.

 

“The pleasure’s all ours, Miss Inubashiri. What brings you here?”

 

“Takin’ in some of the local joints before I head back out tomorrow. We’re scramblin’ in the wake of yesterday’s attack, so I wanted to enjoy the homeland for as long as I could before I had to leave her again.”

 

Aya grinned a little bit despite herself. This was the perfect opportunity to get one of the military’s goons to act up and expose themselves for the knuckle-draggers they all are.

 

“You’re off on the hunt then, eh? Is your good side the one where you’re bombing civilians, then? Or is it when you order your subordinates to do it for you?”

 

A perfect zinger, accented by the audible gasp from Hatate, who clearly had somehow not expected the conversation to go this way. Now all she needed was the brutish response, and Mustafa would have a war correspondence piece he could stick up his own rear end.

 

But the desired reaction never came, as the military woman simply shook her head.

 

“Naw, I was never cutthroat enough for the assassination of innocents. I leave that to the journalists, they’re much better at it. Good day, ladies.”

 

The military woman turned and left the café, leaving two dumbstruck jaws lying on the table next to their drinks. Only the tinkling of the bell was able to snap them from their reverie.

 

“Jeezum crow, Aya, what the hell were you thinking with that?”

 

The elder reporter didn’t respond, her eyes still transfixed on the door. Hatate snapped her fingers.

 

“Yo! Earth to Aya, come in Aya!”

 

“…I’m…thinking I found my story.”

 

“What, are you gonna write about THIS?”

 

Aya turned back around to look at Hatate, a bizarre gleam in her eyes and grin on her face.

 

“Hell no, I’m gonna write about her. Did you catch that wit of hers? You could cut diamonds on it! Any that you didn’t cut on her abs first, anyway. Holy moley. This is Mustafa’s lucky day. Let’s go! I’ve got some in-depth research to do!”

 

“I-what? Are you serious? Hey, wait up!”


	8. Turkey Fight - MyonFuto

“Ah.”

 

Youmu looked up to see the other person that had laid a hand on her prize. She wasn’t sure which surprised her more, the odd, tubular hat, or the fact that the woman was even shorter than Youmu herself was. Still, Yuyuko-sama had entrusted her with this very important mission. She had to be polite but firm with the cute older woman.

 

“Pardon me, miss, but I do believe I was the first to spot this turkey.”

 

“I must disagree, madam. Prithee, remove thine hand at once, so this bird may go home with its proper owner.”

 

“I am afraid I cannot do that. I have been entrusted with obtaining the food necessary for my Mistress’s holiday banquet this evening.”

 

The older woman tilted her head to look behind Youmu.

 

“Thou dost have eighteen such birds already in thy card. Surely thy needs are met at present?”

 

Youmu grimaced ever-so-slightly at the retort. This did not go unnoticed by the older women, who gave the youngster a knowing look in response.

 

“Indeed, it seems mine observation hast struck upon an uncomfortable truth. I shall be retrieving my bird now.”

 

Youmu fixed the woman with a slightly harder look.

 

“Apologies, but I need all that I have and this last one for tonight’s family meal.”

 

“And I need this bird for mine family. As I am sure thou hast seen, mine cart is presently empty of such protein.”

 

“I sympathize with your situation, but surely there is other protein in this store you can use?”

 

“There is little our limited budget can afford. Such are the misfortunes of those who are new to this land.”

 

“…Are you trying to garner sympathy by indicating that you are a foreigner?”

 

“Art thou frightened at the idea of a foreigner obtaining their fair share whilst thou goeth home with much more than thine fair share?”

 

“Perhaps if you worked as much and as hard as I do, you would be able to afford such things!”

 

“Perhaps if we were afforded the same opportunities thou hast been afforded, we would indeed be working as much and as hard as thee!”

 

“Perhaps your family should put more effort into making those opportunities!”

 

“Perhaps we would, if this land allowed us to even simply walk the streets without constantly being judged!”

 

“Perhaps your family should join mine for the holiday dinner, then!”

 

“Perhaps we will!”

 

Both women then blinked before suddenly putting their hands to their mouths in shock. They stared at each for a while, before averting eye contact out of shame.

 

“…Wouldst thou truly take us in this evening?”

 

“…I…will see to it that it is cleared by my Mistress. It would be uncouth to make such an offer and then renege it.”

 

“I thank thee, then, on behalf of mine entire family.”

 

Youmu removed her hand from the turkey, and true enough, the woman picked it up and placed it in Youmu’s cart.

 

“Pardon, but I do not believe I ever caught your name.”

 

“I am Futo of the Mononobe. May I ask thine in return?”

 

“Of course. Well met, Miss Futo. My name is Youmu Konpaku.”

 

The older woman waved a hand dismissively.

 

“Please, there is no need for ‘Miss’. Thou mayest simply call me Futo.”

 

“Very well, Futo. Please forgive my earlier rudeness.”

 

“Of course. Please forgive mine in return.”

 

Youmu smiled.

 

“Already done. Come, let us complete the necessary shopping for this evening’s meal.”

 

“Please, lead the way.”

 

The two headed off to the next aisle, Youmu’s thoughts wavering between her shopping list and her new companion.

 

 _She seems rather…rough around the edges, but not a bad sort after all. I wonder what her family is like? Or…whether or not she is spoken for? …No, I should not dwell on such things so quickly_.

 

Youmu shook her head and put the thought out of her mind, oblivious to the slight blush that had crept upon her new companion’s face.


End file.
